It had to happen, really. When the world starts to take itself too seriously, and even mainstream markets are beginning to think that perhaps cryptocurrency is not such a bad thing after all – then comes satire. With even leading naysayers JP Morgan Chase doing a classic volte-face this week, one might almost hear hell freezing over. So what better to counteract all the sobriety than the Jesus Coin? Bursting into global market cap rankings in a blaze of glory at #356, the Jesus Coin achieved a miraculous total market capitalisation of $18,226,173 on February 14th, with a 24-hour trading volume of $350,196.

The virgin birth took place on September 12th, 2017, and was hailed as the second coming – of the Doge Coin. With Jesus as Founder and CEO, Saint Peter in Public Relations and Augustus Caesar as Team Manager, this is a cryptocurrency that cannot fail. Sadly, it's still only worth a twelfth of a cent, but maybe that's a sign, in a disciple-ish kind of way.

With its coin symbol a cross (what else?), the Jesus Coin guarantees to save all its owners from hell (with some notably racist exceptions). Promising record transaction speeds direct from user to God's Son, the project ethos is to decentralise Jesus, with the possible co-operation of the church to outsource forgiveness of sins.